White House sources announced this morning that the Jeffrey Epstein mystery has been solved, and that everyone can go back to doing whatever they were doing before they learned that most American leaders, including President Trump, are blackmailed pedophiles.
In a joint press conference with President Trump, Attorney General Pam Bondi claimed that the “missing minute” from the Epstein prison surveillance video has been found, and that it shows aliens abducting Jeffrey Epstein. “Unfortunately the ‘missing minute’ has been given the highest possible classification by MJ12, so we can’t show it to you,” Bondi explained. “But I’ve seen it, just like I saw the Epstein client list before the men-in-black zapped it and altered the timeline to ensure that such a list never existed.”
Anonymous MJ12 sources say Epstein was “beamed up” by hooknosed extraterrestrials and taken to Planet Tel Aviv in the galaxy of Zion, where he will live out his days conducting breeding experiments with abducted 14-year-old Earthlings. Meanwhile, other hooknosed aliens will continue to film Earth’s political leaders in compromising positions with underage victims, using the footage to dominate Earth’s politics and extract trillions of dollars worth of resources for the benefit of the hooknosed race in general and Planet Tel Aviv in particular.
Earthlings who continue to pointlessly worry about such matters have been advised by mental health experts to stop thinking about Epstein and instead devote themselves to visualization and relaxation exercises.
