Dissociated Press At a White House press conference today, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that the United States is amassing a huge “zombie army of the living dead” to march on Tehran. Hegseth explained that only 18 service members have been rendered completely dead by the hundreds of Iranian missiles that have decimated dozens of US bases, troop concentrations…
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What sadistic abomination will those wacky Israelis think of next?
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Dissociated Press Iranian mourners’ calls for revenge were partially answered last night when US Senator Lindsey Graham was killed by an exploding child android. Graham received a package containing what appeared to be a small boy and failed to notice it was postmarked Tehran instead of the customary Tel Aviv. Upon opening it, the bloodthirsty pedophile senator also failed to…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of US President Trump’s demand that Iran spend all of its soon-to-be unfrozen money on US agricultural products like soybean oils and high-fructose corn syrup, the White House upped the ante this morning, insisting that his promised $300 reparations payment to Iran could only be used for purchases of goyslop. Trump had earlier insisted that…
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The deal couldn’t get any sweeter…but Iranians, generous people, wanted to give something back.
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Dissociated Press Following President Trump’s order to release all UFO files “except any files in which my name appears in close proximity to Jeffrey Epstein’s” the Pentagon has declassified a long list of vague reports and blurry images of “spinning discs, glowing orbs and one object shaped like a potato.” Buried deep within the otherwise unremarkable document dump, however, was…
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Dissociated Press Following news that Iran’s government convened their top psychologists and psychiatrists to treat US president Donald Trump, the Tehran-based psychiatric team announced that Trump is “making excellent progress” and appears to be relinquishing key delusions and regaining rudimentary reality-testing. According to the Tehran-based mental health team, Trump’s recent statements indicating a remission of psychosis include: *It’s perfectly fine…
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“A whole civilization will die laughing tonight!”
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Israeli agent Laura Loomer, who has never been suspected of dual loyalties, says she is the one who turned Carlson in as an American agent.
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Dissociated Press Informed sources report that the world will be ending in a few minutes for reasons that few would have dreamed possible. Earlier today, former US President Donald J. Trump was divested of his office after Vice President J.D. Vance and a majority of Trump’s cabinet declared in writing to Congress that Trump is a narcissist lunatic suffering from…
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