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After 27 failed attempts to convince somebody—anybody—that he didn’t kill Charlie Kirk, Benjamin Netanyahu’s 28th video denial has finally gotten some traction.
“My Starlink service came back on after my grandson in Oslo paid my bill, so I went online and saw Netanyahu say he didn’t kill someone named Charlie Kirk,” explained Torkil Jaanitsk of the peat-fogged hamlet of Sørvøtnes, a three-house settlement clinging to the granite coast of Fugløya Nord, an uninhabited islet off the storm-torn Barents Sea, technically under the jurisdiction of Troms og Finnmark, Norway.
Jaanitsk explained that for all he knew, Netanyahu might be telling the truth. “I mean, I don’t really know much about this Netanyahu guy, or why he’s saying he didn’t kill this Charlie Kirk, but he sure is insisting that he didn’t kill him, so who knows, maybe he didn’t.”
Batyrbek Oroskulov of Sary-Kumyr, a mining outpost on the rim of the Betpak-Dala Desert in Kazakhstan, also found Netanyahu’s most recent denial at least remotely plausible. “He sure looks guilty. But what if he’s innocent and he knows that acting innocent by not denying the crime would be exactly what a criminal would do, so to distinguish himself as a genuinely innocent person from a guilty person merely acting innocent, he decided to go ahead and act as though he’s guilty as all get-out?”
The Israeli Prime Minister’s Office issued a celebratory statement noting that global reaction to Netanyahu’s increasingly hysterical denials is moving in the right direction. Netanyahu’s Public Diplomacy Chief Moshe “Moshik” Aviv said he expects that Netanyahu’s next few dozen videos denying any involvement in the Charlie Kirk assassination may very well manage to convince another few people, adding “even if they don’t it doesn’t matter because we’ve bought or blackmailed everyone of any importance anyway.”
