The Association of Schlemetic Schlemiels has announced the formation of a new Antischlemitism Initiative tasked with clumsily and ineptly attempting to hold back the ineluctably rising tide of antischlemitism.
At a botched press conference, ASS president Schlomo Schlemielstein accidentally knocked over the podium, which landed squarely on Schlomit Schlimazel’s foot. As Schimazel loudly denounced Schlemielstein and schlemiels in general, Schlemielstein accused Schlimazel of antischlemitism, an accusation Schlimazel hotly denied as he was being dragged off to prison.
Schlemielstein argued that only by forcing an incoherently-worded, totally unenforceable but terrifyingly draconian prohibition of antischlemitism down the throat of the entire world could schlemiels ever feel safe. He added that antischlemetic tropes such as “schlemiels spill soup on people” and “never do business with a schlemiel” and “schlemiels are so incompetent they can’t even cover up a genocide when they own the banks and the media” are hurtful because they make schlemiels even more self-conscious and clumsy, leading to potentially dangerous mishaps including soup-spilling and toe-stubbing.
Schlemielstein cited poll data showing that virtually the whole world has become antischlemitic, with the only exceptions being people who have no idea what schlemiel means. He added that despite the grim situation, if schlemiels continued to shamelessly commit horrendous genocidal acts on camera, post the videos on social media, and then have their billionaire schlemiel friends buy up all the social media companies to prevent people from seeing the videos, their pathetic incompetence might generate public sympathy and cause at least a few people to at least feel sorry for them if not actually like them.
