Ye, the rapper and fashion designer formerly known as Kanye West, has met in New York with Israeli Orthodox Rabbi Schloshi “Schlasher” Schlashenstein, a prominent blade-equipped kabbalist, to offer his foreskin in atonement for his series of anti-Jewish outbursts over the past few years.
Ye began emitting antisemitic tirades on social media and in other forums in 2022, vowing to go “death con 3 On THE JEWS” and making a stream of other anti-Jewish but apropos remarks. Ye’s honesty has badly damaged his career, thereby proving that Jews do not control the entertainment and fashion industries. By groveling before Schlashenstein and begging for the chance to offer his foreskin in atonement, Ye provided further evidence that “Jewish power” and “Jewish vindictiveness” are just antisemitic tropes.
Though this is at least the third time Ye has blubbered pathetic apologies for his antisemitism, it is the first and only time he has offered his foreskin to Yahweh—a sign of heartfelt atonement that the good rabbi enthusiastically accepted, lopping off the tip of Ye’s penis with his kosher blade, sucking the blood from the mutilated organ, spitting it out and yelling at Ye to “stop screaming, you pussy!” before muttering the Talmudic formula “Yahweh accepts your bloody foreskin on behalf of the Anti-Defamation League, the Mega Group, B’nai B’rith, and the Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations.” As Ye writhed on the ground clutching his crotch, Rabbi Schlashenstein threatened: “Next time it’ll be the whole thing, so behave yourself!”
Through the rabbi’s good offices, Ye has rehired his personal trainer, Harley “send you to zombieland” Pasternak, who has been equipped with a very sharp knife and will accompany Ye wherever he goes, waving the knife in the general direction of Ye’s crotch whenever necessary to ensure that the rapper refrains from further antisemitic outbursts.
Reached via cell phone from her XXL toilet seat, Ye’s ex-wife Kim Kardashian expressed skepticism about her former husband’s transformation, saying: “That m*th*f*ck* couldn’t keep his mouth shut if his jaws were clamped together in a vise,” adding that she hoped the inevitable moment when Harley the Trainer finishes the job Rabbi Schlashenstein started will be live-streamed to an audience of billions.
