Drawing on his now-unlimited presidential powers, President Donald J. Trump has issued unconditional pardons to “the Jews who killed Charlie Kirk and Jesus Christ.”
“For Jews, killing anyone they want is a religious duty,” Trump explained as he lifted his beloved golden pager to his ear to make sure it wasn’t ticking. “The First Amendment guarantees freedom of religion. It would be a grave violation of the Constitution, and very antisemitic, to try to stop the Jews from killing people, or to punish them when they kill. In fact, even noticing their murders is hate speech.”
Trump’s Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee, a Christian pastor and theologian, agreed, adding that the Jesus Christ murder case has never been solved, and that anyone who thinks the Jews had anything to do with it must be some kind of antisemitic conspiracy theorist.
Trump also pardoned the Jews for killing hundreds of thousands of Palestinian women and children, and double-pardoned them for killing Palestinian men. He went on to pardon their killings of hundreds of journalists, thousands of office workers in the Twin Towers, and the Kennedys. “And if there have ever really been any Jews who slaughter Christian babies to drink their blood, I hereby pardon them too,” he added, checking the golden pager again for possible ticking noises.
“And the ones who poison wells,” Netanyahu’s voice dictated via Trump’s micro-earpiece. “And the ones who poison wells,” Trump dutifully echoed.
