At a White House press conference today, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that the United States is amassing a huge “zombie army of the living dead” to march on Tehran.
Hegseth explained that only 18 service members have been rendered completely dead by the hundreds of Iranian missiles that have decimated dozens of US bases, troop concentrations and staging sites:
“The rest are neither dead nor alive. They are gone from the land of the living, but we haven’t confirmed them as dead either. They are neither here nor there, neither fish nor fowl. As they lurch ponderously across the porous boundary between this world and the next, croaking their morbid battle cry ‘must eat brains,’ our zombie armie of the living dead boldly and moldily prepare to stagger into Iran and bite the Revolutionary Guard.”
Military analysts say Hegseth’s zombie army will likely mount a limited ground invasion and seize a couple of cemeteries, a decrepit Victorian mansion or two, and possibly a shopping mall. Filmmaker George Romero, who died in 2017, will claw his way to the surface and burst from the ground, trailing moldy remnants of cloth fused with rotting flesh, to film the proceedings and post clips on X in hopes of cutting into the Iranian LEGO filmmakers’ market share.
American’s incontinent president Donald J. Trump, who has been falling over a lot lately, is expected to personally join the zombie invasion once he passes from the land of the living. “He isn’t quite dead yet, but he sure smells like it,” explained Melania, holding her nose, “so we all look forward to him leading that zombie invasion of Iran, hopefully in the very near future.”
