The Trump Administration, at the behest of Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu, has announced that it will “get shitface drunk” before deciding whether to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities.
The unusual decision-making technique, appropriately enough, is an adaptation of the ancient Iranian method, recorded by Herodotus, of debating big decisions twice: once drunk and once sober. Netanyahu, during his recent visit to Washington, convinced his White House butler, Donald J. Trump, that it would be wiser to dispense with the sober discussion and “just get shitface drunk and decide whether or not to push that damn button.”
Trump, normally a teetotaler, has reportedly agreed to Netanyahu’s ultimatum due to an Oath of Absolute Obedience signed in return for a $100 million dollar check from Miriam Adelson.
In preparation for the forthcoming emergency meeting of the Executive Committee of Trump’s National Security Council, Israel will supply the White House with several dozen cases of Arak, Israel’s national alcoholic beverage, along with gavage tubes repurposed from the foie gras industry.
The Iranian government has responded by urging Trump to “sober up and stop spewing drunken threats.” It added that Iran’s current indirect talks with the US delegation headed by Steve Witkoff could turn into direct talks “as soon as Witkoff’s booze wears off and he takes a cold shower and washes off that disgusting sour, acrid stench.”
From his tomb in Pasargadae, Fars Province, Iran, Cyrus the Great issued a statement urging Trump to repudiate his Oath of Obedience to Israel and stick with Diet Coke.
