US President Donald Trump has ordered the Department of Homeland Security to deport “anyone who believes in the Democrat-invented Jeffrey Epstein hoax, wants the so-called Epstein Files released, or even mentions the name Jeffrey Epstein.”
Trump’s order, issued in a rambling late night tweet, will require DHS to obtain lists of “Epstein terrorists” from Palantir and send masked agents in unmarked cars to raid their homes and workplaces and drag them off to repurposed stadiums where they will be stripped of their citizenship and processed for deportation to Rwanda, Bangladesh, Antarctica, and other exotic locations. Those identified as renegade Trump supporters will be singled out for the worst treatment: They will be shipped in boxcars to a camp in the Florida Everglades featuring Walmart-sized gas chambers disguised as shower rooms, alongside crematoria bigger than Grand Central Station. Dubbed “Alligator Auschwitz,” the new facility is expected to provide a final solution to the populism problem, to the delight of Donald Trump as well as his Democratic opponents.
“Who was that Jewish guy with a name that starts with E? I don’t remember, and you’d better not either,” Trump taunted his supporters on Truth Social. “Alligator Auschwitz is Big and Beautiful—the Biggest and most Beautiful extermination camp the world has ever seen,” Trump tweeted, adding that inmates and their clothing would be sterilized with de-lousing agents upon entering the camp to ensure that only typhus-free ashes would be thrown to the alligators.
Trump’s move had been expected to elicit a Supreme Court challenge. But in a surprise pre-emptive decision this morning, the Court ruled 6 to 3 that “Trump can do anything he wants.” That six-word ruling—the shortest in the history of American jurisprudence—is expected to streamline the federal government and enhance its responsiveness to Trump’s executive orders, which will be issued on social media and subject to prompt and absolute obedience by government officials and ordinary citizens alike.
A Scripps poll found that Trump’s move to transform the US into an authoritarian dictatorship run by a madman was even more unpopular than the genocide of Gaza, but that most Americans are too busy staring zombie-eyed at their phones to do anything about it.
