Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has called the entire top American military leadership to assemble in Quantico, Virginia next Tuesday, from whence they will all be raptured straight up to heaven—while America’s enemies and allies, as well as civilians of all nations, enlisted men, and officers up to the rank of colonel will be nuked, die slowly of starvation and radiation poisoning, and finally be dragged off by the Devil to burn in hell.
“That explains why Hegseth has been interfering in promotions,” explained Rear End Admiral Sternly “Soggy Bottom” Stevenson. “He’s taking it upon himself to decide who gets beamed up by Jesus and who gets passed over and then nuked, starved, poisoned, and consigned to eternal hellfire.”
The Pentagon has been drafting new regulations clarifying whether officers who fail the Army Physical Fitness Test are still eligible for rapture. Hegseth, relying on classified briefings from dispensationalist theologian Jack Chick, believes that Jesus’s aerial army of angels does not have unlimited lifting capacity, and that if generals and admirals weighing more than 250 pounds are deemed eligible, the angels carrying them and other officers to heaven might sputter, enter tailspins, and come crashing back to Earth. Such a “rapture fail,” Hegseth believes, would embolden America’s enemies, inspire terrorists, and pose a serious threat to American national security.
Leaders of America’s NATO allies, and their lovable little mascot Volodymyr Zelenskyy, are lining up behind Hegseth’s rapture plan, believing it offers the only realistic hope of denying Russia victory in its war on Ukraine. Hegseth has consolidated support by assuring allies that NATO countries will be vaporized ‘in an orderly fashion.’ The Kremlin, for its part, called the move ‘provocative’ and hinted darkly that killing everyone on Earth, except for a few high-ranking officers assembled for a rapture party at Quantico, might violate one of Putin’s ever-shifting red lines.
Democrats predictably denounced Hegseth’s plan to kill them and almost everyone else on Earth, but failed to muster enough votes to filibuster the Pentagon funding bill paying for next Tuesday’s apocalypse.
