After pardoning the world’s biggest drug trafficker Juan Orlando Hernandez, President Donald Trump celebrated yesterday by joining Hernandez aboard an Air Force One jet filled with cocaine, heroin, LSD, amphetamines, barbiturates, fentanyl, ecstasy, ketamine supplied by Elon, a thousand cases of Diet Coke, and a half-ton of bufotenine-laden cane toads. The two dopeheads ingested copious quanties of mind-altering substances—enough to make Hunter S. Thompson turn over in his grave—before Trump issued a declaration of war.
“I hereby solemnly proclaim that a state of war now exists between the United States of America and Venezuela, Iran, China, Canada, Greenland, Panama, Somalia, Minnesota, Dearborn, Antifa, California, and James Comey,” Trump ranted between licks of toad slime.
“Hey meeeester Pray-zeee-dent,” Hernandez chortled, sounding exactly like Cheech Marin, “do you know what you just deeeeeeeed? You declared war…on drugs!”
Trump just glared at Hernandez.
Shaking with uncontrollable laughter, Hernandez unwisely continued: “Get eeet? You declared war. You’re on drugs. So you declared war on drugs!” Collapsing into the aisle of the plane, Hernandez rolled in epilepsy-style spasms of epic hilarity.
Trump, angered by the perceived insult, or perhaps by the bad joke, ordered the pilot to fly over Guatemala, where he threw Hernandez out of the plane at the same approximate location where Robert Kennedy dropped Carlos Marcello in 1961.
As of press time, Air Force One is still soaring erratically at almost 45,000 feet of altitude and has not yet been cleared for landing.
