Attorney General Pam Bondi called a press conference this morning to announce that Jeffrey Epstein’s client list has been located. She said she had accidentally misplaced it on her cluttered desk, under a crumpled grocery list beside a scanner, partially hidden by a charging station with tangled cords and devices.
As Bondi started to read the names on the list, an obviously discomfited President Trump interrupted her: “Why are people still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? With all of these big beautiful stories, like Elon’s AI blurting out the truth about Jews, alligators eating immigrants in Florida, Bibi strutting into the White House like he owns it, which of course he does—why do we have to keep talking about this creep Epstein, the mention of whose name so visibly embarrasses me?!”
But as Bondi began reading the names, Trump sank back into his chair, exhaled slowly, and allowed a smug smile to creep across his face.
Meanwhile, the American people are horrified and traumatized. It seems that many of their most cherished idols have been compromised.
Jeffrey Epstein’s Client List
Appleseed, Johnny
Bear, Smokey the
Bunny, The Energizer
Bunyan, Paul
Burger King, King of
Cheetah, Chester
Chocula, Count
Crunch, Cap’n
Doughboy, the Pillsbury
Gecko, Geico
Giant, The Jolly Green
Henry, John
Jemima, Aunt
Liberty, Lady
Man, Marlboro
Man, Michelin
Peanut, Mr.
Revere, Paul
Riviter, Rosie the
Ross, Betsy
Sam, Uncle
Sanders, Col.
Tiger, Tony The
