Dissociated Press Informed sources report that yesterday the Joint Chiefs of Staff turned over all command-and-control functions to the Frontier supercomputer in the Pentagon basement running an AI program called Terminal Terminator. Unfortunately, the AI was programmed to “kill evildoers.” Within microseconds of being switched on, the program had begun seizing control of US military assets and using them to…
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Dissociated Press A Pentagon spokesperson reported Wednesday that the Chinese spy balloon shot down off South Carolina last week was a “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom” (WHC) that posed a serious threat to America’s national virility. According to the report, the Chinese have developed a new polymer-layering nanotechnology that can be sprayed on the outside of an ordinary condom, giving it incredible…
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Dissociated Press President Biden and former President Trump are facing Justice Department investigations after security camera footage surfaced showing both men using classified documents as toilet paper. In the wake of the revelations, based on footage from restroom security cameras installed by multiple agencies including the CIA, NSA, FBI, ADL, and ASPCA, Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed former Justice…
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Dissociated Press Republican Congressperson George Santos lashed out yesterday at the growing chorus calling on him to resign. Speaking at an impromptu press conference at Foneys Club in Lower Manhattan, Santos said that anyone who doubts that he is a gay Jewish Holocaust survivor is an “anti-Semitic Holocaust-denying homophobe.” Santos pointed out that according to woke (TM) identity politics, people are…
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https://youtu.be/LCcvzPW9CKs Dissociated Press The Anti-Defecation League has demanded that Bill Gates apologize for calling COVID vaccines “the Final Solution.” At a press conference in Basel, Switzerland, ADL chief Jonathan Greenbutt read a prepared statement flaying Gates for his insensitivity to Jewish suffering. “There is only one Final Solution,” Greenbutt intoned, “and that is the sacred six-million-victim big-H Holocaust. If Bill Gates…
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They don’t appreciate Fox News host comparing them to Zelensky Dissociated Press The Strip Club Owners of America, the industry’s leading Washington lobby, has demanded that Fox host Tucker Carlson apologize for what they called his “vile” comparison of them to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. “I don’t care if he’s the president of war-torn Timbuktu, this guy is a sleazeball,…
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Video link Qatar has lots of money, talent, stadium space, hotels, and airport runways. But it’s missing something important. It doesn’t have enough genders to host a World Cup. Can you imagine holding an athletic event in a country that only recognizes two genders? Don’t they know that “male” and “female” are passé, oppressive, and supremacist? Haven’t they heard that…
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Dissociated Press A Texas court has ordered conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to pay six million trillion dollars in damages to Holocaust survivors whose feelings were hurt by Jones’ interview with Holocaust denier David Duke. At a press conference in Austin, Jonathan Greenbutt of the Anti-Defecation League celebrated the verdict: “We believe this unprecedented ruling will send the strongest possible message:…
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Dissociated Press Environmental activists blaming Vincent Van Gogh for climate change have mutilated the famous artist’s “Self Portrait Minus Ear” by slashing off part of the canvas with a razor blade. The activists severed and removed the portion of the painting depicting the bandage that covered the part of the artist’s head where the ear used to be, saying that…
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Dissociated Press Sandy Hook parent Robbie Parker has once again raised eyebrows by reacting unexpectedly to an emotionally-charged event. Informed that a jury had awarded him $120 million, Parker collapsed on the floor, weeping pitifully, before pulling himself together, wiping away the tears, and flashing an insincere smile as he kicked off the Sandy Hook parents’ press conference celebrating their…
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