President Donald Trump has ordered Harvard University to increase its current 1000% overrepresentation of Jewish students to “at least a million gazillion percent” or lose nine billion dollars in federal funds.
“We must fight antisemitism at Harvard by ensuring that Jews become even more grossly overrepresented than they already are,” Trump announced in a joint press conference with Benjamin Netanyahu. Trump pointed out while almost two percent of the US population is Jewish, Jews constitute only around 25% of the Harvard student body. Trump noted that Jews are already being admitted in vastly greater numbers than their academic merits would dictate, but insisted that Harvard ought to admit even more underqualified Jewish students than it already does in order to atone for the Holocaust and make amends for the horrors of October 7th, 2023.
He added that the entire Ivy League was threatened by antisemitism, pointing out that only 7 of 8 Ivy League presidents are Jewish. “That last goy has got to go!” Trump thundered. “The Ivy League must become a safe space for Jews, and since the only safe place for Jews is Israel, the Ivy League shall henceforth be annexed by the State of Israel.” Trump turned to Netanyahu, pulled out a chair for him, seated him butler-style, and handed him a symbolic key to the Ivy League on a Star of David keychain.
Trump declared that if Harvard stubbornly refused to expel and deport goys and open its doors to underqualified Jews, he might have to issue an emergency order sending all non-Jewish Harvard students to the gas chambers, starting with foreign nationals who haven’t signed a loyalty oath to Israel. He added that anyone who doubted his willingness to do so would be considered a “gas chambers denier” and sent to those very same gas chambers.
Adolf Hitler, reached at his cryogenic suspension chamber in Argentina, smiled ruefully and declined to comment.
