After sending half the US fleet to the coast of Venezuela, US president Donald Trump has ordered the other half to the coast of Norway, in preparation for an invasion of Oslo aimed at securing him the Nobel Peace Prize.
An anonymous White Horse Souse claims that Trump will order simultaneous invasions of Norway and Venezuela: “The president is outraged that the Nobel Committee slighted him in favor of María Corina Machado, so he’s going to invade Nobel headquarters in Oslo to make them reissue the prize, while simultaneously invading Venezuela in order to rendition Machado and strip her of the honors that Trump himself so richly deserves.”
To stymie potential pushback against his Nobel-Prize-seeking invasions, Trump will be sending boatloads of nuclear-capable Tomahawk missiles to Ukraine and Taiwan, from whence they will be pre-emptively launched against Russia and China. Trump has also approved large-scale Israeli attacks on Iran and Lebanon, while telling Netanyahu to “go ahead and just keep right on ignoring the fake news ceasefire.”
While awaiting the order to invade Venezuela and Norway, American warships have been blowing up both nations’ fishing fleets in an effort to burnish Trump’s peace prize credentials. Meanwhile in Africa Trump has ordered a nuclear strike on Lagos, Nigeria, in hopes that annihilating that nation’s biggest city will end civil strife in Africa’s most populous country and make him a peace prize shoo-in.
Trump is also expected to prove himself peace-prize-worthy by making good on his threats to invade and annex Canada, Greenland, and Panama, while renaming all of Earth’s geographical features after himself.
From his bomb shelter in Oslo, Jørgen Watne Frydnes, spokesman for the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, commented: “Well, if we gave it to Barack Obama, Menachem Begin, and Shimon Peres, I guess we can give it to Trump, but I just wish he weren’t being so gosh-darned pushy.”
