Informed sources report that the world will be ending in a few minutes for reasons that few would have dreamed possible.
Earlier today, former US President Donald J. Trump was divested of his office after Vice President J.D. Vance and a majority of Trump’s cabinet declared in writing to Congress that Trump is a narcissist lunatic suffering from dementia, megalomania, and hallucinations, and is unable to discharge his powers and duties. Trump’s hallucinatory episodes have included claims that Iran offered him the position of Supreme Leader, that “me and the Ayatollah will control the Strait of Hormuz,” and that he has been engaged in negotiations with Iran when in fact no such negotiations have taken place.
That’s the good news. The bad news is that the United States has launched an all-out nuclear attack on Russia, China, Iran, Cuba, and several other countries whose leaders may have displeased Trump, and thousands of nuclear missiles have been fired at the US in retaliation.
White House sources explain that Trump somehow managed to smuggle the red button from his desk into his satchel of belongings that accompanied him to the lunatic asylum where he is being treated. The asylum’s security detail mistakenly thought the red nuclear button was an unusually large pill that was part of Trump’s psychiatric medication. The security detail also failed to use the recommended straitjacket, in what experts are calling the worst security failure at a mental or penal institution since Epstein hanged himself.
Sources inside the lunatic asylum report that since pushing the red button Trump has been smirking and dancing to his favorite song, the Village People’s “YMCA.”
Acting US President Vance, who was hustled off by the Secret Service a few minutes ago to the Dick Cheney Memorial 9/11 Bunker deep beneath the White House, could not be reached for comment.
