“A whole civilization will die laughing tonight!” Donald Trump’s chilling social media threat to declare victory over Iran, causing Iranians to collapse in helpless hilarity and laugh themselves to death, has been condemned as a war crime by the Pope, the U.N. Secretary General, the Office of Comedic Safeguards and Verification (OCSV) and other important individuals, institutions, and agencies.
OCSV Deputy Director Evelyn Smirkov explained that calling such a calamitously misbegotten war a “victory” would exceed generally accepted hilarity guidelines by at least 100 megatons and thereby constitute a gross violation of international law, common decency, and generally accepted comedic practice. Smirkov added that Trump’s declaring victory over Iran would indiscriminately target civilians as well as military forces, causing Iranians from all walks of life, including women and children, to fall to the floor pounding their fists in helpless spasms of glee screaming “no! no! Stop, Trump! Please stop! We can’t take it any more! You’re killing us!” before expiring.
Trump’s threat to wipe out Iran with a humor bomb reportedly emerged from a CIA study of potential Iranian responses to Trump’s declaring victory and fleeing with his proverbial tail between his legs. The study found that any victory declaration by Trump would initially elicit stunned disbelief, followed by howls of derision, and finally spasms of uncontrollable laughter that would cause its victims to dissolve into helpless blobs of jelly. By weaponizing the victory declaration and making it even more obscenely arrogant and ridiculous than everything else Trump says, the CIA discovered, Trump’s bombastically preposterous claim that he had triumphed over Iran could be made far more lethal than all the remaining stand-off bombs in America’s arsenal put together.
The CIA study envisaged sending US special forces to Isfahan to attempt another raid on Iran’s enriched uranium while Iranian forces are disabled by laughter convulsions following Trump’s victory declaration. Unfortunately, the study’s authors concluded, the problem of “friendly fire”—that is, US troops finding Trump’s announcement just as hilarious as the Iranians do—makes that plan unlikely to work.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who is reportedly planning to declare himself Messiah and cause all the goyim to die laughing, could not be reached for comment.
