Following President Trump’s order to release all UFO files “except any files in which my name appears in close proximity to Jeffrey Epstein’s” the Pentagon has declassified a long list of vague reports and blurry images of “spinning discs, glowing orbs and one object shaped like a potato.” Buried deep within the otherwise unremarkable document dump, however, was an alarming memorandum, classified at the highest level of secrecy (NOGOY) which details the real, terrifying reason aliens are visiting Earth: they are planning to tear it down and build a Holocaust museum.
The blood-curling document appears to be a memo from Protetnik Vogon Jeltzstein of the Conference of Presidents of Major Intergalactic Jewish Organizations. It reads:
“As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of Holocaust museums through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you.”
According to the planning document, the Holocaust Museum Formerly Known as Earth (HMFKAE) will occupy roughly the same amount of space as the Earth currently does, and will continue to orbit around the sun every 365 days, 6 hours, 9 minutes and 10 seconds, spinning at a rate of one rotation every 24 hours. Unlike the Earth as we know it today, however, it will have no oceans, forests, lakes, mountains, deserts, cities, or goyim. Instead, it will consist of a gigantic complex of ugly concrete buildings filled with rooms featuring endless displays of artifacts relating to the persecution of Jews throughout the known universe culminating in The Holocaust (TM).
“The universe is a big place,” Protetnik Vogon Jeltzstein explained, “so it’s always conceivable that somewhere in a galaxy far away, there is a planet inhabited by a species of sentient beings that has not yet heard about The Holocaust. As we continue to seed the cosmos with Holocaust museums, we hope to eventually carry the message of the sacred six million victims and their hydrogen cyanide gas chambers to all of the inhabited pluriverse’s intelligent life forms, and eventually most of the stupid ones as well.”
The Earth’s last Holocaust denier, detected by spy algorithms mumbling “they must all be pretty stupid to put up with this nonsense,” was quickly abducted by hooknosed aliens and incarcerated on a prison asteroid alongside thousands of 80-year-old Palestine Action supporters, where they will all have an excellent view of Earth’s demolition, tentatively scheduled for next Tuesday.
