Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning President Donald Trump announced a novel solution to the coronavirus problem: condoms. “We now have it totally under control, it’s going to be just fine. All you have to do is wear a condom when you go out in public,” Trump explained. The President proceeded to extract a foil packet containing a…
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Dissociated Press The World Health Organization issued a directive this morning urging an unfortunate coronavirus caught between the sweaty palms of the US and Brazilian presidents to wash its hands and quarantine itself. “We don’t know what this coronavirus may have picked up from its intimate contact with two of the world’s most virulently toxic organisms,” explained WHO spokeperson Dr.…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of new studies showing that the best way to avoid coronavirus is to stay home watching coronavirus coverage, the United States government and the corporations that own it have rolled out a new plan to curtail the spread of the dread disease. Yesterday the newly-merged Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for Media Control…
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Dissociated Press Reacting to Bernie Sanders’ blowout in the Nevada caucuses, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has upped the ante, accusing the Democratic frontrunner of “hateful anti-MBTQ bigotry.” “As a proud member of the most victimized and oppressed group in America, the Millionaires, Billionaires, Trillionaires, and Quadrillionaires—what we like to call the MBTQ community—I am appalled by Bernie Sanders’ shameful…
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Dissociated Press The Israeli Knesset yesterday delayed voting on the Mandatory Tattoo Bill (KN-6283) requiring that all citizens be tattooed with Nazi concentration camp ID numbers in memory of the Holocaust. The bill also obliges newborn infants to undergo genetic screening to determine whether they carry the Holocaust Trauma Gene—and to submit to Holocaust Gene Implant Therapy (HGIT) if they…
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Dissociated Press Acting under orders from Clown Prince Muhammad Bin Salman, a delegation of senior Saudi clerics has traveled to Auschwitz, Poland and officially converted to Holocaustianity. The conversion ceremony featured the clerics kneeling down before a statue of Anne Frank and solemnly uttering the testimony of faith: “There is no god but the Holocaust, and six million Jews died…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel and making “Jewish” a nationality, the White House announced yesterday that Trump will go one step further and claim “King of Israel” nationality and “Second Coming of God” status, effectively exempting himself from criticism. Trump, who annointed himself King of Israel and Second Coming of God…
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Ft. Lauderdale, FL Dissociated Press President Donald J. Trump, in a speech to The Organization of Eminent Jewish-American Magnates (TOEJAM), shocked his audience yesterday by vowing to “finish the job Hitler started.” “A lot of you are in the real estate business, because I know you very well. You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all,” Trump said. “That’s why,…
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Veterans Today strives to represent diversity in all its forms: Race, color, creed, tribal affiliation, political orientation, sexual identity, I.Q., sanity, you name it, we feature writers from all ends of the spectrum. We are especially committed to combatting the scourge of anti-Semitism. That’s why we were overjoyed, nay, ecstatic, to receive this guest editorial submission from a man who,…
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Dissociated Press After repeatedly tweeting inflammatory attacks on blacks, Muslims, hispanics, women, Democrats, Trump-haters, and other minority groups, President Trump has finally been banned from Twitter—for homophobia. His offense: Yesterday’s tweet featuring a homophobic limerick attacking Democratic presidential contender Pete Buttigieg. The closure of Trump’s account marks the first time that a head of state has ever been banned from…
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