In the wake of US President Trump’s demand that Iran spend all of its soon-to-be unfrozen money on US agricultural products like soybean oils and high-fructose corn syrup, the White House upped the ante this morning, insisting that his promised $300 reparations payment to Iran could only be used for purchases of goyslop.
Trump had earlier insisted that Iran’s unfrozen funds “will be used for the purchase of food and medical supplies, exclusively from the United States, including Corn, Wheat, and Soybeans from our great American farmers.”
Today he added that the promised $300 billion in reparations “will be issued not in cash but in a new form of currency called Goyslop Stamps. Unlike regular food stamps, Goyslop Stamps can only be used to purchase food that the FDA and the Chicago Rabbinical Council Kosher Certification Agency have jointly certified as Goyslop.” Trump said HSS Secretary RFK Jr. would be working with Rabbi Schmuley to determine which unhealthy foods qualified to be shoved down Iranian throats.
Trump said US reparations for the Iran war will create an unprecedented windfall for goyslop manufacturers. “The Iranians are going to have to get used to buying tens of thousands of tons of cheese puffs, pop-tarts, potato chips, soft drinks, french fries, gas station hot dogs, rainbow breakfast cereals, cream-filled snack cakes, greasy bacon cheeseburgers, aerosol canned cheeses, supersized energy drinks, microwaveable meat sticks, gas station glazed donuts, and assorted mystery meats so mysterious that they may not even be meats at all,” Trump enthused. “Goyslop stocks are going through the roof right now, thanks to this announcement, which is why the Trump Organization bought billions of dollars worth of call options on goyslop exactly fifteen minutes ago.”
Meanwhile, Seymour Hersh has reported that the “goyslop option” emerged from a compromise between hardliners like Pete Hegseth and Benjamin Netanyahu, who want to bomb Iran with nuclear weapons, and others in Trump’s circle who believe nuclear weapons are not nearly harsh enough. Goyslop, Trump hopes, will kill more Iranians than nukes ever could, but will do so gradually, covertly, and (above all) profitably.
Ayatollah Khamenei, reached at his goyslop-proof bunker at an undisclosed location in Tehran, said that if Trump dropped any goyslop on Iran, “even so much as a single Hostess twinkie,” Iran would slam the Strait of Hormuz shut on Trump’s big toe so hard that he’d be hopping around screaming for at least a week.
