Satire – Page 15 – Kevin Barrett's Truth Jihad

DeSean Jackson’s “Draconian Punishment for Misquoting Hitler”: Traded Back to Washington Rdskns

July 8, 2020July 8, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Nazi Anti-Defamation League (NADL) has awarded Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeff Lurie its highest award, the Knight of the Iron Cross, for inflicting “the most severe punishment imaginable” on wide receiver DeSean Jackson: trading him back to the Washington R*dsk*ns. “DeSean Jackson must not be allowed to misquote the sacred words of der Fuhrer with impunity,” explained NADL…

Professor Fired for Tweeting “All Lives Matter” Rehired After Recanting and Admitting “No Lives Matter”

July 3, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Philosophy Professor Fuddley Dudwhump of Miskatonic University, fired last week for tweeting “all lives matter,” was rehired yesterday after his tearful recantation was viewed thousands of times on YouTube, eliciting dozens of favorable comments. “I was wrong, so terribly, awfully wrong,” Dudwhump sobs in the video. “What ever could have made me tweet ‘all lives matter?’ That is…

Mutant COVID Strain Blocks Smell of New World Odor

July 2, 2020July 2, 2020 Kevin Barrett

https://youtu.be/-mFFcKo-gLY Dissociated Press If you can’t perceive anything fishy about Jeffrey Epstein’s “suicide,” haven’t noticed the rancid stench surrounding Black Rock and the $7 trillion COVID swindle, are still oblivious to the whiff of bankster-driven biological warfare, and generally find it difficult to sniff out wrongdoing in high places, you should immediately get tested for COVID-1984—a new mutant virus that…

Trump Announces Urban Renewal Plan: Pallet Loads of Bricks for Inner City Youth

June 2, 2020June 2, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Stung by criticism that his administration hasn’t done enough to help rebuild America’s inner cities, President Trump yesterday unveiled a bold new infrastructure plan for government-sponsored distribution of thousands of pallet loads of free bricks in America’s hardest-hit urban neighborhoods. “Wherever people protest, we are pre-empting their demands by giving them lots of free bricks to build things with,”…

Unemployment Problem Solved! USG Hiring Millions of Super-Spreaders and Contact-Tracers

May 14, 2020May 14, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press At a joint White House press conference this morning, Bill Gates and Donald Trump announced that the Gates Foundation has acquired the bankrupt United States Government (USG) for pennies on the dollar and launched a new emergency initiative to address the coronavirus crisis. Trump explained that the first act of the new United States of Bill and Melinda…

BREAKING! Mutant Strain of COVID is 100% LETHAL

May 10, 2020May 10, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Center for Death Control (CDC) has warned that a new mutant strain of coronavirus has been associated with a 100% fatality rate in people who contact it. “What we’re saying, basically, is that everybody who catches this disease is going to die,” explained CDC doomsayer Vivian LaMorte. “Get this bug, and you are condemned to utter and…

Barr: “Reason for Keeping 9/11 Secrets Secret is Secret—and the Reason for That Is Secret Too!”

April 20, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Attorney General William Barr has responded to a New York Federal District Court suit brought by 9/11 survivors by insisting that 9/11 secrets need to be kept secret. When the judge requested a reason for the secrecy, Barr responded: “The reason for the secrets’ secrecy? That’s an even bigger secret. And the secret secret reason for the secrecy of…

Trump Asserts “Total and Absolute Control Over Everything”—Except His Mouth

April 15, 2020April 15, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press At this morning’s press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that he has “absolute power” and “total control” over coronavirus, the nation’s governors, whether or not people are allowed to leave their homes, the efficacy of coronavirus cures he and Jared Kushner have invested in, and “everything else in America, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, and the whole…

Bill Gates Expresses Remorse for Unleashing COVID-19

April 11, 2020April 11, 2020 Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning outside his 350-billion-dollar mansion sprawling across three of Seattle’s poshest neighborhoods, philanthropist Bill Gates tearfully confessed: “Woe unto me! Would that I had not hired the CIA to take Event 201 live!” Spluttering, bawling, and blubbering, Gates toweled tears off his face and explained: “But it was…it was supposed to help with…

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