Dissociated Press At a joint White House press conference this morning, Bill Gates and Donald Trump announced that the Gates Foundation has acquired the bankrupt United States Government (USG) for pennies on the dollar and launched a new emergency initiative to address the coronavirus crisis. Trump explained that the first act of the new United States of Bill and Melinda…
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Dissociated Press The Center for Death Control (CDC) has warned that a new mutant strain of coronavirus has been associated with a 100% fatality rate in people who contact it. “What we’re saying, basically, is that everybody who catches this disease is going to die,” explained CDC doomsayer Vivian LaMorte. “Get this bug, and you are condemned to utter and…
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Dissociated Press Attorney General William Barr has responded to a New York Federal District Court suit brought by 9/11 survivors by insisting that 9/11 secrets need to be kept secret. When the judge requested a reason for the secrecy, Barr responded: “The reason for the secrets’ secrecy? That’s an even bigger secret. And the secret secret reason for the secrecy of…
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Dissociated Press At this morning’s press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that he has “absolute power” and “total control” over coronavirus, the nation’s governors, whether or not people are allowed to leave their homes, the efficacy of coronavirus cures he and Jared Kushner have invested in, and “everything else in America, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, and the whole…
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Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning outside his 350-billion-dollar mansion sprawling across three of Seattle’s poshest neighborhoods, philanthropist Bill Gates tearfully confessed: “Woe unto me! Would that I had not hired the CIA to take Event 201 live!” Spluttering, bawling, and blubbering, Gates toweled tears off his face and explained: “But it was…it was supposed to help with…
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Woke up locked down this morning, things were lookin’ bad Seem like isolation was the only friend I had Coronavirus headlines stared me down… and won And it was twelve o’clock before I realized That I was havin’ no fun But fortunately I have the key to escape this tyranny And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile…
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Dissociated Press After being raked over the coals for telling Americans to “pack the pews on Easter Sunday” (which falls on April 12) Donald Trump has upped the ante, calling for Americans to celebrate April Fool’s Day on Wednesday, April 1, with “YUUUUGE gatherings of happy Fools.” “Why wait for Easter? Why not be Foolish next Wednesday?” Trump tweeted. The…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of his failed coronavirus condom initiative, First Son-In-Law Jared Kusher—smarting from criticism of his attempts to capitalize on the pandemic—has unveiled a new line of potentially profitable products that he says will “solve the coronavirus crisis just like I solved the Mideast crisis.” “After extensive focus group testing, we discovered that people don’t want to…
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Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning President Donald Trump announced a novel solution to the coronavirus problem: condoms. “We now have it totally under control, it’s going to be just fine. All you have to do is wear a condom when you go out in public,” Trump explained. The President proceeded to extract a foil packet containing a…
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Dissociated Press The World Health Organization issued a directive this morning urging an unfortunate coronavirus caught between the sweaty palms of the US and Brazilian presidents to wash its hands and quarantine itself. “We don’t know what this coronavirus may have picked up from its intimate contact with two of the world’s most virulently toxic organisms,” explained WHO spokeperson Dr.…
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