Dissociated Press The National Association of Preschoolers (NAP) has issued a statement urging all American university professors to enroll in a new remedial sex education program. The preschoolers will be offering “gender clarity for eggheads” classes at pre-kindergarten educational institutions nationwide beginning in January. NAP spokestoddler Sally S. explained: “Grown-ups are so silly. Some grown-ups don’t know boys have…
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Dissociated Press Responding to a report that Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan had compared him to Donald Trump, Satan has issued an angry statement demanding an apology. At a heavily-attended press conference (hell is full of journalists who are forced to attend press conferences for all eternity) the Prince of Evil inveighed against Farrakhan for making an unfair and hurtful…
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“It was our base? Oops!” Dissociated Press Obeying an order issued by Commander-in-Chief Donald J. Trump, the United States Air Force has used a nuclear weapon to destroy Honduras’ biggest military installation. At 7:31:06 this morning, Base Aerea Soto Cano in Comayagua, Honduras was instantly incinerated by a B83 thermonuclear weapon set to its maximum yield of 1.2 megatons dropped…
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Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral Dissociated Press In the latest shocking turn of events in an increasingly twisted saga, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanagh has announced his impending conversion to Judaism. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference on the Capitol steps, Kavanagh said he will undergo a conversion ceremony, including a public circumcision by top…
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Riyadh, “Saudi” Arabia Dissociated Press In a major breakthrough for women’s rights in the desert kingdom, Clown Prince Bin Salman (BS) has issued an edict proclaiming that henceforth women will have full and equal rights to be beheaded. “There is no place in a modern, air-conditioned country like ours for archaic relics of the medieval past,” BS announced at a…
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Dissociated Press According to a new Trump–Russia dossier, President Trump has already hired a team of Russian prostitutes to urinate on the freshly-dug grave of Senator John McCain. The new “Schpiel Dossier,” compiled during the past 24 hours by a high-level MI-6 source, includes decrypted transcripts of Trump’s latest conversations with Russian mob boss Semion Mogilevich. According to the report, Trump…
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“Use the FIRST PERSON pronoun when referring to us, or else!” Dissociated Press The University of Minnesota has become the first American campus to recognize the rights of subjexuals, a class of oppressed persons who identify as first person pronouns. The decision modifies the previous policy, under which students were only allowed to choose from a list of third person…
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Dissociated Press Is ISIS plotting an attack on Alex Jones? In a new video released by Rita Kuntz of SHITE Intelligence Group, a vicious-looking villain with a big black bushy shariah-compliant beard brandishes a glittering scimitar and inveighs against the popular talk show host’s “pathetic scruffy little attempt to produce facial hair.” “While we appreciate Alex’s decision to convert to…
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSxjdaspvLI Super-patriot Kevin Barrett, who sacrificed his academic career for the Constitution, interviews Jill Gonzalez of WalletHub.com about the relative patriotism of various American states. See: https://wallethub.com/edu/most-patriotic-states/13680/
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(Dissociated Press) In a long-anticipated move, Donald Trump announced today that he has permanently and pre-emptively pardoned himself for all crimes he has committed, is in the process of committing, is currently planning, or may commit in the future. Speaking at an impromptu press conference at Russian Mafiya headquarters on the top floor of Trump Tower, Trump added that he…
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