Dissociated Press An obscure, totally-overlooked provision of the new National Defense Appropriation Act unanimously passed by both houses of Congress yesterday has surreptitiously merged the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, CDC, FAA, ICE, PTA, NBA, NFL, MLB, and USA into a new overarching bureaucracy called DCS: The Department of COVIDland Security. DCS is tasked with “seizing and administering total and…
Read More
Dissociated Press
Read More
Dissociated Press President Donald Trump is facing a storm of criticism after calling on dead people to vote for him “early and often.” Responding to critics, Trump explained that he was not urging dead people to cast “just ten or twenty” votes each, which would be illegal, and might not work anyway. Instead, he said, each corpse should cast “hundreds…
Read More
Dissociated Press Facebook announced this morning that its ban on hate speech will be extended to include claims that a Jew owns and operates Facebook. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerb*rg says he may extend the ban to include references to Jews who own and operate other big media companies and banks, and ultimately to any and all assertions that any Jewish…
Read More
Dissociated Press Guest Editorial by Dick Flaccidopholous, Director, Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories (FUCT) What is your purpose in life? Why do you log in to the office every day? What talking points do you use to convince powerful people with money to give you some? Here at the Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories we have a simple but elegant…
Read More
Dissociated Press California Governor Gavin Noisome has ordered a statewide mandatory blindfolding policy to help slow the spread of coronavirus. Noisome’s Executive Odor 666-666 requires all citizens to wear blindfolds as well as masks whenever they leave their homes, and revokes all health and religious exemptions from masking and blindfolding. “Studies show that when you blink, your eyelashes scatter tiny…
Read More
Dissociated Press In a stirring statement sure to lift the flagging spirits of America’s tens of millions of unemployed people, Ivanka Trump has reminded them that there are still plenty of worms, insects, garbage, and other free food sources available. “All it takes is some good old fashioned American gumption, creativity, and can-do spirit,” Ivanka said at the press rollout…
Read More
Dissociated Press The Astral Projection Association has issued a new set of coronavirus guidelines recommending that for the duration of the crisis, all members should enter a permanent state of astral projection and maintain at least six feet of social distance from their physical bodies. “Authorities are now recommending wearing masks even inside your own home,” said APA president B.B.…
Read More
Dissociated Press The Nazi Anti-Defamation League (NADL) has awarded Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeff Lurie its highest award, the Knight of the Iron Cross, for inflicting “the most severe punishment imaginable” on wide receiver DeSean Jackson: trading him back to the Washington R*dsk*ns. “DeSean Jackson must not be allowed to misquote the sacred words of der Fuhrer with impunity,” explained NADL…
Read More
Dissociated Press Philosophy Professor Fuddley Dudwhump of Miskatonic University, fired last week for tweeting “all lives matter,” was rehired yesterday after his tearful recantation was viewed thousands of times on YouTube, eliciting dozens of favorable comments. “I was wrong, so terribly, awfully wrong,” Dudwhump sobs in the video. “What ever could have made me tweet ‘all lives matter?’ That is…
Read More