Dissociated Press US President Donald Trump has ordered the Department of Homeland Security to deport “anyone who believes in the Democrat-invented Jeffrey Epstein hoax, wants the so-called Epstein Files released, or even mentions the name Jeffrey Epstein.” Trump’s order, issued in a rambling late night tweet, will require DHS to obtain lists of “Epstein terrorists” from Palantir and send masked…
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Dissociated Press Attorney General Pam Bondi called a press conference this morning to announce that Jeffrey Epstein’s client list has been located. She said she had accidentally misplaced it on her cluttered desk, under a crumpled grocery list beside a scanner, partially hidden by a charging station with tangled cords and devices. As Bondi started to read the names on…
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Dissociated Press According to a White Horse Souse interviewed by Poof! Magazine, US President Trump will avenge his recent loss to Iran by dropping billions of tons of marshmallows on Iranian nuclear sites. The top secret operation, codenamed Operation Midnight Marshmallow, aims to render Iran’s nuclear sites unusable by engulfing them in a sticky, gooey, sickeningly sweet morass of spongy…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of a musical act’s discriminatory hate speech targeting the Israeli Defense Forces, the US and UK governments have issued a joint statement making genocide perpetrators a protected category. Both governments’ new, amended protected category list now reads as follows: Categories of People You Aren’t EVER Allowed to Be Mean to, or Even Critical of, in…
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Dissociated Press Donald Trump said yesterday that his National Intelligence Director, Tulsi Gabbard, “is wrong” in her assessment that Iran is not building a nuclear weapon. He then fired Gabbard, issued an executive order abolishing the office of National Intelligence Director, and replaced it with the new office of National Stupidity Director. “Only an unbelievably stupid advisor will advise me…
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Dissociated Press In a shocking new development that could lead to World War III and the end of the world as we know it, President Donald Trump announced that he is dropping MOABS (the Mother of All Bullshit) on Iran. “I will be dropping bullshit on Iran THE LIKES OF WHICH NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE!!!” Trump tweeted, truthsocialed, and…
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Dissociated Press An individual posing as the son of the former Shah of Iran, and calling on Iranians to support Israel’s assault on their country, has been exposed as an obscure Venezuelan con-man named Juan Guaidó. Guaidó first surfaced in Caracas in 2019, where he somehow succeeded in convincing rich foreigners that he was the president of Venezuela. After swindling…
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Dissociated Press Billionaire drug addict Elon Musk apologized yesterday to malignant narcissist Donald Trump, saying he “went too far” attacking Trump, and blaming ketamine addiction for his untoward tweets. “That was the ketamine tweeting, not me, saying Trump was in the Epstein files,” Musk explained. “If it weren’t for my drug addiction, I would never say that Trump rapes little…
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Dissociated Press An unidentified pro-genocide Holocaust (TM) survivor was re-incinerated Sunday in Boulder, Colorado by an anti-genocide activist. According to a report from ABC News that is nearly impossible to satirize, the Holocaust (TM) survivor underwent a horrific experience during World War II: He was gassed to death, buried in swamp alongside millions of other bodies, then dug up, cremated,…
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Dissociated Press In an operation hailed by pro-Zionist media as “audacious,” “breathtaking,” and “sensational,” Israel’s intelligence service has outed openly homosexual journalist Glenn Greenwald as homosexual—and then thrown him off a roof for good measure. The operation opened with Unit 8200 posting “Glen Greenwald is gay” on the internet, while real world operatives scribbled the same formula, along with variations…
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