Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel and making “Jewish” a nationality, the White House announced yesterday that Trump will go one step further and claim “King of Israel” nationality and “Second Coming of God” status, effectively exempting himself from criticism. Trump, who annointed himself King of Israel and Second Coming of God…
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Ft. Lauderdale, FL Dissociated Press President Donald J. Trump, in a speech to The Organization of Eminent Jewish-American Magnates (TOEJAM), shocked his audience yesterday by vowing to “finish the job Hitler started.” “A lot of you are in the real estate business, because I know you very well. You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all,” Trump said. “That’s why,…
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Veterans Today strives to represent diversity in all its forms: Race, color, creed, tribal affiliation, political orientation, sexual identity, I.Q., sanity, you name it, we feature writers from all ends of the spectrum. We are especially committed to combatting the scourge of anti-Semitism. That’s why we were overjoyed, nay, ecstatic, to receive this guest editorial submission from a man who,…
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Dissociated Press After repeatedly tweeting inflammatory attacks on blacks, Muslims, hispanics, women, Democrats, Trump-haters, and other minority groups, President Trump has finally been banned from Twitter—for homophobia. His offense: Yesterday’s tweet featuring a homophobic limerick attacking Democratic presidential contender Pete Buttigieg. The closure of Trump’s account marks the first time that a head of state has ever been banned from…
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Dissociated Press Following Israel’s demand for $250 billion in reparations from Arab nations, the World Jewish Congress (otherwise known as WorldJewCon, or WJC) has upped the ante, demanding an additional $500 trillion in persecution reparations from the entire world. WJC spokesman Rob Sheisterstein announced the demand from his royal penthouse suite atop the Hotel President Wilson in Geneva, Switzerland. (The…
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Dissociated Press President Donald Trump, profoundly shocked to the very core of his being by a vulgarity uttered about him by Rep. Rashida Tlaib, has issued a statement begging Rep. Tlaib, and all other Americans, to “stop being so vulgar.” “We must eschew all forms of vulgarity,” Trump solemly intoned from his White House pulpit. The august, esteemed, and decorous…
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Dissociated Press The National Association of Preschoolers (NAP) has issued a statement urging all American university professors to enroll in a new remedial sex education program. The preschoolers will be offering “gender clarity for eggheads” classes at pre-kindergarten educational institutions nationwide beginning in January. NAP spokestoddler Sally S. explained: “Grown-ups are so silly. Some grown-ups don’t know boys have…
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Dissociated Press Responding to a report that Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan had compared him to Donald Trump, Satan has issued an angry statement demanding an apology. At a heavily-attended press conference (hell is full of journalists who are forced to attend press conferences for all eternity) the Prince of Evil inveighed against Farrakhan for making an unfair and hurtful…
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I recently heard that someone fact-checked my article Kavanagh converts to Judaism to save Supreme Court nomination: Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral. My friend D got an email from his Christian Zionist friend T as follows: D, I’ve done a fact check on the claim that Kavanagh is to convert to Judaism and I could find no credible…
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Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral Dissociated Press In the latest shocking turn of events in an increasingly twisted saga, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanagh has announced his impending conversion to Judaism. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference on the Capitol steps, Kavanagh said he will undergo a conversion ceremony, including a public circumcision by top…
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