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Astral Projection Association Recommends Maintaining at Least Six Feet Social Distance from Yourself at All Times

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Astral Projection Association has issued a new set of coronavirus guidelines recommending that for the duration of the crisis, all members should enter a permanent state of astral projection and maintain at least six feet of social distance from their physical bodies. “Authorities are now recommending wearing masks even inside your own home,” said APA president B.B.…

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Professor Fired for Tweeting “All Lives Matter” Rehired After Recanting and Admitting “No Lives Matter”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Philosophy Professor Fuddley Dudwhump of Miskatonic University, fired last week for tweeting “all lives matter,” was rehired yesterday after his tearful recantation was viewed thousands of times on YouTube, eliciting dozens of favorable comments. “I was wrong, so terribly, awfully wrong,” Dudwhump sobs in the video. “What ever could have made me tweet ‘all lives matter?’ That is…

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Mutant COVID Strain Blocks Smell of New World Odor

Kevin Barrett

https://youtu.be/-mFFcKo-gLY Dissociated Press If you can’t perceive anything fishy about Jeffrey Epstein’s “suicide,” haven’t noticed the rancid stench surrounding Black Rock and the $7 trillion COVID swindle, are still oblivious to the whiff of bankster-driven biological warfare, and generally find it difficult to sniff out wrongdoing in high places, you should immediately get tested for COVID-1984—a new mutant virus that…

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Minneapolis Mayor: Rioters Must Practice Social Distancing and Wear Masks or Risk Arrest

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey has ordered rioters to wear medical masks and remain at least six feet apart while smashing windows, overturning automobiles, setting fire to buildings, and attacking police officers and national guard troops or risk being fined — or even arrested. “We understand that after two months of being locked down in their homes with no…

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BREAKING! Mutant Strain of COVID is 100% LETHAL

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Center for Death Control (CDC) has warned that a new mutant strain of coronavirus has been associated with a 100% fatality rate in people who contact it. “What we’re saying, basically, is that everybody who catches this disease is going to die,” explained CDC doomsayer Vivian LaMorte. “Get this bug, and you are condemned to utter and…

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Barr: “Reason for Keeping 9/11 Secrets Secret is Secret—and the Reason for That Is Secret Too!”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Attorney General William Barr has responded to a New York Federal District Court suit brought by 9/11 survivors by insisting that 9/11 secrets need to be kept secret. When the judge requested a reason for the secrecy, Barr responded: “The reason for the secrets’ secrecy? That’s an even bigger secret. And the secret secret reason for the secrecy of…

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Trump Asserts “Total and Absolute Control Over Everything”—Except His Mouth

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press At this morning’s press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that he has “absolute power” and “total control” over coronavirus, the nation’s governors, whether or not people are allowed to leave their homes, the efficacy of coronavirus cures he and Jared Kushner have invested in, and “everything else in America, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, and the whole…

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Bill Gates Expresses Remorse for Unleashing COVID-19

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning outside his 350-billion-dollar mansion sprawling across three of Seattle’s poshest neighborhoods, philanthropist Bill Gates tearfully confessed: “Woe unto me! Would that I had not hired the CIA to take Event 201 live!” Spluttering, bawling, and blubbering, Gates toweled tears off his face and explained: “But it was…it was supposed to help with…

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Trump Doubles Down: America Will Be “Opened Up and Raring to Go” on April Fool’s Day

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press After being raked over the coals for telling Americans to “pack the pews on Easter Sunday” (which falls on April 12) Donald Trump has upped the ante, calling for Americans to celebrate April Fool’s Day on  Wednesday, April 1, with “YUUUUGE gatherings of happy Fools.” “Why wait for Easter? Why not be Foolish next Wednesday?” Trump tweeted. The…

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Jared Kushner Solves the Coronavirus Problem with Free-Market Initiatives

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of his failed coronavirus condom initiative, First Son-In-Law Jared Kusher—smarting from criticism of his attempts to capitalize on the pandemic—has unveiled a new line of potentially profitable products that he says will “solve the coronavirus crisis just like I solved the Mideast crisis.” “After extensive focus group testing, we discovered that people don’t want to…

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