Dissociated Press In the wake of a musical act’s discriminatory hate speech targeting the Israeli Defense Forces, the US and UK governments have issued a joint statement making genocide perpetrators a protected category. Both governments’ new, amended protected category list now reads as follows: Categories of People You Aren’t EVER Allowed to Be Mean to, or Even Critical of, in…
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Dissociated Press Donald Trump said yesterday that his National Intelligence Director, Tulsi Gabbard, “is wrong” in her assessment that Iran is not building a nuclear weapon. He then fired Gabbard, issued an executive order abolishing the office of National Intelligence Director, and replaced it with the new office of National Stupidity Director. “Only an unbelievably stupid advisor will advise me…
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Dissociated Press In a shocking new development that could lead to World War III and the end of the world as we know it, President Donald Trump announced that he is dropping MOABS (the Mother of All Bullshit) on Iran. “I will be dropping bullshit on Iran THE LIKES OF WHICH NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE!!!” Trump tweeted, truthsocialed, and…
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Dissociated Press David “Dadi” Barnea, chief of the Israeli Mossad, has issued a chilling threat to Sen. Ted Cruz in the wake of Cruz’s humiliation on the Tucker Carlson show. During the Carlson interview, Cruz admitted that he knows nothing whatsoever about Iran, and probably couldn’t even find it on a map, but wants to send Americans there to die…
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Dissociated Press An individual posing as the son of the former Shah of Iran, and calling on Iranians to support Israel’s assault on their country, has been exposed as an obscure Venezuelan con-man named Juan Guaidó. Guaidó first surfaced in Caracas in 2019, where he somehow succeeded in convincing rich foreigners that he was the president of Venezuela. After swindling…
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Dissociated Press Billionaire drug addict Elon Musk apologized yesterday to malignant narcissist Donald Trump, saying he “went too far” attacking Trump, and blaming ketamine addiction for his untoward tweets. “That was the ketamine tweeting, not me, saying Trump was in the Epstein files,” Musk explained. “If it weren’t for my drug addiction, I would never say that Trump rapes little…
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Dissociated Press An unidentified pro-genocide Holocaust (TM) survivor was re-incinerated Sunday in Boulder, Colorado by an anti-genocide activist. According to a report from ABC News that is nearly impossible to satirize, the Holocaust (TM) survivor underwent a horrific experience during World War II: He was gassed to death, buried in swamp alongside millions of other bodies, then dug up, cremated,…
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Dissociated Press In an operation hailed by pro-Zionist media as “audacious,” “breathtaking,” and “sensational,” Israel’s intelligence service has outed openly homosexual journalist Glenn Greenwald as homosexual—and then thrown him off a roof for good measure. The operation opened with Unit 8200 posting “Glen Greenwald is gay” on the internet, while real world operatives scribbled the same formula, along with variations…
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Dissociated Press Former FBI Director James Comey claims he just happened upon yet another cool arrangement of seashells yesterday while innocently walking on the beach, whistling nonchalantly with his thumbs in his swimsuit pockets. Critics charge that the seashells spell out a threatening message. But Comey insists the shells randomly arranged themselves into artistic form due to the action of…
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