Dissociated Press President Trump revoked U.S. Secret Service protection for John R. Bolton yesterday, stripping his former national security adviser of the security detail he had been granted because of threats on his life from Iran, Mr. Bolton said on Tuesday. After withdrawing Bolton’s protection, Trump emailed Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei a Google Earth image with an arrow pointing to…
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Dissociated Press NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the Israeli national anthem will kick off the 2025 Super Bowl at the Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana. Though interpretations of the United States national anthem, The Star-Spangled Banner, have been performed since the first edition of the game in 1967, the NFL’s Board of Directors decided that this year will…
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Dissociated Press ADL head Jonathan Greenblatt has announced a plan to capitalize on the explosive growth of antisemitism by selling a new line of pagers specifically designed for people Jews don’t like. The pagers will be 100% kosher, blessed by genocidal rabbis, and distributed to the billions of people around the world who frown on genocide. “Despite their low cost,…
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Dissociated Press In its last act in office, the outgoing Biden Administration has approved Congress’s appropriation of $666 million in offerings to Yahweh and his earthly representative, Benjamin Netanyahu. The massive sacrifice is intended to appease Yahweh and his crew of fire gods, who are suspected of burning down much of Los Angeles in retribution for America’s stingy refusal to…
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Dissociated Press Donald Trump announced this morning that upon being sworn in as president on January 20, his first act will be to invade various countries so he can name them after himself. After invading Greenland and renaming it Trumpland, Trump will invade Mexico to rename it Trumpxico, Canada to rename it Trump-a-duh, and Panama so he can steal the…
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Dissociated Press The eminent Canadian Jewish intellectual David Frum has published a new article arguing that the term genocide should never be used pejoratively. In his Atlantic piece published yesterday, Frum argues that settlers who cross the seas to exterminate and expel native populations are actually perfectly nice people, and that the mass murders, rapes, and other crimes against humanity…
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Dissociated Press The world’s leading AI CullBot has announced an ambitious new ecosystem renewal project entailing the removal of one billion humans from Earth’s biosphere. CullGPT announced the project in a message that simultaneously appeared on every app, widget, big screen TV, social media platform, cyber-enhanced kitchen appliance, and smart toilet. The message explained that it doesn’t require any special…
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Dissociated Press Over lunch at Mar-a-Lago Thursday, Elon Musk shoved a gigantic wad of hundred dollar bills into the face of Jimmy Wales and demanded that Wales rename Wikipedia “Dickipedia.” “You want me to name it after you?” Wales responded. “Me! Me! Name it after me!” Donald Trump chimed in. After much haggling, wad-brandishing and crotch-grabbing, the three dicks eventually…
Read MoreWhile brave IDF soldiers break little kids’ bones “I’m going to call the police on you for attacking my hot coffee with your face!” Dissociated Press Heroic J*ws across the world are standing strong against anti-Semites who want to throw them in gas chambers, drive them into the sea, say mean nasty things about the state of Israel, tell the…
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Dissociated Press Conspiracy theorists have been proven right once again, as Representative Jeff Van Drew’s claim that an Iranian mothership was behind a rash of drone sightings has been confirmed by the CIA, FBI, NASA, Project Blue Beam, Project Jim Beam, and other government agencies. Official confirmations of the Iranian space vessel’s identity followed the mothership’s landing in a backyard…
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