Woke up locked down this morning, things were lookin’ bad Seem like isolation was the only friend I had Coronavirus headlines stared me down… and won And it was twelve o’clock before I realized That I was havin’ no fun But fortunately I have the key to escape this tyranny And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile…
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Dissociated Press After being raked over the coals for telling Americans to “pack the pews on Easter Sunday” (which falls on April 12) Donald Trump has upped the ante, calling for Americans to celebrate April Fool’s Day on Wednesday, April 1, with “YUUUUGE gatherings of happy Fools.” “Why wait for Easter? Why not be Foolish next Wednesday?” Trump tweeted. The…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of his failed coronavirus condom initiative, First Son-In-Law Jared Kusher—smarting from criticism of his attempts to capitalize on the pandemic—has unveiled a new line of potentially profitable products that he says will “solve the coronavirus crisis just like I solved the Mideast crisis.” “After extensive focus group testing, we discovered that people don’t want to…
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Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning President Donald Trump announced a novel solution to the coronavirus problem: condoms. “We now have it totally under control, it’s going to be just fine. All you have to do is wear a condom when you go out in public,” Trump explained. The President proceeded to extract a foil packet containing a…
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Dissociated Press The World Health Organization issued a directive this morning urging an unfortunate coronavirus caught between the sweaty palms of the US and Brazilian presidents to wash its hands and quarantine itself. “We don’t know what this coronavirus may have picked up from its intimate contact with two of the world’s most virulently toxic organisms,” explained WHO spokeperson Dr.…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of new studies showing that the best way to avoid coronavirus is to stay home watching coronavirus coverage, the United States government and the corporations that own it have rolled out a new plan to curtail the spread of the dread disease. Yesterday the newly-merged Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for Media Control…
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Dissociated Press Reacting to Bernie Sanders’ blowout in the Nevada caucuses, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has upped the ante, accusing the Democratic frontrunner of “hateful anti-MBTQ bigotry.” “As a proud member of the most victimized and oppressed group in America, the Millionaires, Billionaires, Trillionaires, and Quadrillionaires—what we like to call the MBTQ community—I am appalled by Bernie Sanders’ shameful…
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Dissociated Press The Israeli Knesset yesterday delayed voting on the Mandatory Tattoo Bill (KN-6283) requiring that all citizens be tattooed with Nazi concentration camp ID numbers in memory of the Holocaust. The bill also obliges newborn infants to undergo genetic screening to determine whether they carry the Holocaust Trauma Gene—and to submit to Holocaust Gene Implant Therapy (HGIT) if they…
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Dissociated Press In a riveting performance before the US Senate gallery this morning, Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer Alan Dershowitz mounted a spirited defense of his new client, Donald J. Trump. Flourishing a badly stained and noticeably noisome pair of men’s Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear at the astonished senators, Dershowitz boldly intoned: “THESE are the only briefs I need to convince you to to…
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Dissociated Press Acting under orders from Clown Prince Muhammad Bin Salman, a delegation of senior Saudi clerics has traveled to Auschwitz, Poland and officially converted to Holocaustianity. The conversion ceremony featured the clerics kneeling down before a statue of Anne Frank and solemnly uttering the testimony of faith: “There is no god but the Holocaust, and six million Jews died…
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