Dissociated Press President Joe Biden has confirmed that he received a “welcome to the White House” letter from his predecessor Donald Trump, telling reporters from the Oval Office that the note was “very generous.” “The president wrote a very generous letter,” Biden said. “Because it was private, and included a bribe offer, I won’t talk about it until I talk…
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Dissociated Press In a new video posted in an obscure corner of the darkweb, President Donald Trump congratulates himself on his world-record second impeachment, then vows to achieve an even more impressive third impeachment during his remaining five days in office. “Only two other presidents in history have been impeached even once,” Trump gloats. “I did it twice. Now get…
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Dissociated Press In a joint press conference this morning America’s two biggest vaccine makers, Moderna and Pfizer, announced that they have begun manufacturing a combined total of ten billion doses of a new vaccine against vaccine hesitancy. “Currently almost half the population is vaccine hesitant,” explained Moderna-Pfizer Cartel spokesperson Prixley “Prix” Needleman. “Obviously there is no point in making COVID-19…
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Dissociated Press President Donald Trump last week asked senior aides what possibilities he had for performing fellatio on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, The New York Times reported Monday. Citing four current and former US officials, the paper reported that the meeting occurred in the Oval Office on Thursday. The source said Trump asked his highest-ranking national security advisers whether they…
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Dissociated Press Secretary of Snake Mike Pompeo called an impromptu press conference this morning to explain the coming “smooth transition to a second Trump Administration.” “The courts will smoothly move to nullify election results in key swing states,” Pompeo explained. “Republican state legislatures will, with equal smoothness, refuse to send Democratic delegates to the Electoral College. The Supreme Court will…
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Dissociated Press Donald Trump stunned the nation this morning by unveiling what he called “absolute proof” the election was stolen. Trump produced Michael Connell II, the GOP’s Voting Machine Adjustment Czar, who swore on a Satanic Bible that he had rigged the machines to produce a narrow Trump victory in key swing states, along with a close enough election nationwide…
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Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has announced his new “herd immunity” plan to defeat the pandemic: A breakfast cereal made of GMO corn, high-fructose corn syrup, COVID-19 virus, and glyphosate and other artificial flavors. “If every child in America ate a bowl of CoronaFlakes every morning,” the President tweeted yesterday, “we could achieve herd immunity in less than two weeks.…
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Dissociated Press An obscure, totally-overlooked provision of the new National Defense Appropriation Act unanimously passed by both houses of Congress yesterday has surreptitiously merged the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, CDC, FAA, ICE, PTA, NBA, NFL, MLB, and USA into a new overarching bureaucracy called DCS: The Department of COVIDland Security. DCS is tasked with “seizing and administering total and…
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Dissociated Press President Donald Trump is facing a storm of criticism after calling on dead people to vote for him “early and often.” Responding to critics, Trump explained that he was not urging dead people to cast “just ten or twenty” votes each, which would be illegal, and might not work anyway. Instead, he said, each corpse should cast “hundreds…
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