But it took her four days to notice Dissociated Press When Laticia Cuggles clocked into work late Monday morning, the Wells Fargo office in Widowsburg, Wyoming seemed quieter than usual. Cuggles assumed that co-workers slumped in their swivel chairs or apparently napping, heads on their desks, were just recovering after a long, eventful weekend. It wasn’t until Thursday that Cuggles…
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Dissociated Press As I woke up this morning I vaguely remembered having some kind of dream about the US presidential election. As I lay there half-awake half-asleep trying to reconstitute it, this is what came to me: The doorbell rang. The good news is that it wasn’t the Jehovah’s Witnesses. The bad news is that a pollster of indeterminate age,…
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Dissociated Press A radical Muslim terror group has claimed responsibility for a series of planned attacks on Taylor Swift concerts. The notorious jihadist organization Islamic-American Muslims For All Kinds of Explosions (IAMFAKE) issued a statement yesterday explaining the motivation behind its odd campaign against a pop culture icon. “We used to spend our days and nights hatching devious and dastardly…
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Dissociated Press At the Democratic Convention in Chicago this morning, the party’s Freedom Caucus unveiled a bold new initiative rebranding the Democrats—formerly viewed as the commissars of the hectoring nanny state and the murderous torturing genocidal spooks of the authoritarian national security state—as “The Party of Freedom.” Freedom Caucus chairperson Libertas Libertas, an individual who freed themselves from their real…
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Dissociated Press The mysterious July 13 Trump shooting in Butler, Pennsylvania grew slightly less mysterious this morning, as the FBI announced that it has finally located the bullet that struck former President Donald Trump’s right ear. As it turns out, there was a very good reason why the bullet could not be found at the Butler Farm Show location where…
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Dissociated Press Peretz Putzenschlubb defended his title in the men’s ten meter forcible sodomy competition, giving his team an unprecedented sweep in the anal rape medals at the Paris Olympics. Putzenschlubb, a mainstay of the Sde Teiman Prison Rape Squad, defeated his teammates Schlemiel Shtuppenberg and Schlemozzel Shtuppenshtein by pursuing and raping a designated victim after a 6.1 meter chase,…
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Dissociated Press The ADL (Anti-Defecation League) today issued a statement in response to the recent debate over Israel’s “Right to Rape” movement. Jonathan Greenbutt, ADL CEO and National Director, issued the following statement: ADL is concerned by the recent surge of antisemitism displayed by those who would deny Israel the right to practice its own cultural and religious heritage by subjecting…
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Shatters record previously held by Jesus WASHINGTON D.C. (October 24, 2024) – Precognitive Press One week before Hallowe’en, the hundreds of Congressional representatives who had been giving Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu a standing ovation since July 24 finally stopped applauding and sat down. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Netanyahu’s ovation easily shattered the previous record…
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Dissociated Press Following Donald Trump’s “magic ear shot” publicity stunt, millions of his supporters are wearing “brain bandages” symbolizing their gullible acceptance of the wildly improbable story. By gluing feminine hygiene products to their ears, the Trumpsters indicate that they have undergone brain-removal surgery and believe everything Trump and the media tell them. The ear bandages symbolically suggest that the…
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Dissociated Press Donald Trump has been shot once again for the second time in less than a week. The latest shooting took place at today’s Trump rally in Colon City, Michigan. Trump was struck in the rear by a bullet fired by a gunman who clambered onto the stage, unhurriedly assembled his rifle, and conspicuously assumed a firing position, while…
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