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Trump Administration Adapts Ancient Persian Method to Decide Whether to Attack Iran

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Trump Administration, at the behest of Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu, has announced that it will “get shitface drunk” before deciding whether to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities. The unusual decision-making technique, appropriately enough, is an adaptation of the ancient Iranian method, recorded by Herodotus, of debating big decisions twice: once drunk and once sober. Netanyahu, during his recent…

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US Offers Free Tour of ICE Facilities to Attract Tourists and Foreign Students

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a new project spearheaded by what’s left of the US Commerce, Education, and State Departments, the government is offering foreign tourists and students “a free all-expenses-paid tour of ICE detention facilities” in hopes of attracting them to America. “We’ve taken a huge economic hit from tourist and student cancelations,” explained Dierdre McDogbreath, Undersecretary of Miscellaneous Affairs and…

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Trump: Harvard Must Increase Jewish Overrepresentation or Lose Billions in Federal Funding

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has ordered Harvard University to increase its current 1000% overrepresentation of Jewish students to “at least a million gazillion percent” or lose nine billion dollars in federal funds. “We must fight antisemitism at Harvard by ensuring that Jews become even more grossly overrepresented than they already are,” Trump announced in a joint press conference with…

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RFK Jr. Launches Health Campaign Against “Antisemitism Plague”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Calling antisemitism a “deadly and virulent pestilence” that is “comparable to history’s most deadly plagues“, Health and Human Services chief Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared a public health emergency and announced a “warp speed rollout” of mRNA vaccines. “Antisemitism is worse than bubonic plague, leprosy, anthrax, botulism, and chicken pox all rolled into one,” Kennedy announced at this…

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Trump Unveils Plan to Screw World Leaders’ Wives, Gain Bargaining Leverage

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press US President Donald Trump announced plans to have sex with the wives of several key world leaders in hopes of gaining bargaining leverage over those countries and screwing them out of land, resources, and, above all, money. Trump has been quoted as saying that sex with other men’s wives is “what makes life worth living,” since it gives…

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Trump Launches MAGBA (Make America Great Big Again) & Appoints Dank Demoss Official Mascot

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press and False Flag Weekly News  as featured on Bitchute Acknowledging that America is never going to be great again, Donald Trump has added a “B” to his MAGA brand. The new plan, MAGBA, is to Make America Great Big Again. “Size counts,” Trump chortled at this morning’s press conference, pointing lewdly at his crotch. “So let’s make America…

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Israeli Women Lining Up for New Hamas Beauty Treatment

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of Israeli media claims that Hamas used a miracle health and beauty potion to make female hostages look pert, vivacious, and just downright gorgeous, thousands of Israeli women have breached the apartheid wall separating Israel from Gaza and are marching toward Hamas headquarters in hopes of being taken hostage. The huge parade of female Zionists…

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Trump Revokes John Bolton’s Secret Service Protection, Tells Iran Where He Lives

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Trump revoked U.S. Secret Service protection for John R. Bolton yesterday, stripping his former national security adviser of the security detail he had been granted because of threats on his life from Iran, Mr. Bolton said on Tuesday. After withdrawing Bolton’s protection, Trump emailed Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei a Google Earth image with an arrow pointing to…

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